So loved and so missed

Last month my mom, Darlene, was on her way to visit us for Lucas' 1st birthday. On her way, she was in a fatal car accident with a very dear friend of hers. Instead of meeting her at the bus station downtown, I was faced with seeing her bruised and swollen in an ICU room.

I have spent the past month vacillating between being strong and doing what is necessary and completely losing it and feeling like my whole world has dropped out from under me. I know that it will take time to fully grieve for MY loss. She is in a better place, visiting with our loved ones who went on before us. My father, nephew, brother, grandmother and uncle are a few who come to mind.

I really feel like I need to take the time to put down some of the special memories I have with my mother.

Every year on our birthday, my mother would take us to the cake store to pick a cake pan and cake flavor. Then, after we went to school, she would get up and bake our cake and decorate it. Many birthdays, I can remember coming home to see her bent over the cake lovingly decorating it with her special butter cream icing. We did not get big birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese or at a park, but we always knew that our mother cherished the day we were born and wanted us to know that.

Growing up in Florida on the gulf coast, it was a given that the beach would be a part of our life. Behaving well at the beach was not always such a given. But, Mom promised us that if we behaved well, a visit to Love Is Homemade Ice Cream was in our future on the way home. Back then the only way to the beach was via McGregor Blvd. so we always passed it on the way home, and it was a sad day when our actions caused her car to keep going as we passed that beloved place. I know that it hurt her as much as it hurt us to pass it, but she held firm to her rules and we rarely missed a visit. Love Is still stands and last spring we took our son to get ice cream there on the way home from the beach. I hope that someday, my daughter continues the tradition with Lucas.

Last spring, we had the opportunity to visit Florida for a few weeks. We stopped off at Mom's to spend the night so she could meet Lucas and decided at the last minute to take her with us. She relished the opportunity to spend time with us and spent the whole trip down sitting by Lucas and loving him. Kelly relished the help. Cameron enjoyed his time with his Nana. They were very close and she took him to the pool every day when he finished his schoolwork. I know that he misses her very much.

My Mom struggled, but at her core we knew she loved us. She never ended a phone call without saying "I love you, tell Glenn and the kids I love them too. Be sure to give everyone a hug and a kiss for me." I often reach for the phone to call her and tell her something going on in our life, but she's not there. That is what is very hard for me right now. My mother in law said I can call her anytime and I love her very much, but it's just not the same. Dare I say it? I MISS MY MOMMY!!!!

I know that the next year(s) will be a struggle as I come to grips with my loss. I know that she is in Heaven watching over my family and is our very special guardian angel. I love you, Mommy.