6 years or just yesterday

Gram at about 14-16 years old




My mom, Darlene, grandma, Margaret, and me


the day I found out I was pregnant with Kelly.


July, 1991.

I can't believe that it's been almost 6 years since I lost one of my best friends, my grandma. Literally, every day I go to pick up the telephone to call and tell her something that is going on or to ask her advice. Then, I remember that she is no longer there. I don't cry anymore but sometimes I get so cranky that I think it may because my best therapist is on permanent retirement.

I hope that Kelly's baby is a girl so I can try to have a great relationship with her the way I did with my Gram.

One of the best and worst days of my life was the day Gram found out she had ovarian cancer. It was the best because when the doctor came in to tell her the results of her surgery, she told him he could talk in front of me, I was one of her best friends. Worst because....well, she had cancer.

Watching her die was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I have always been scared of death and dead people. I imagined that when she passed I would hardly be able to enter the room. Instead, I rushed to the Hospice House in record time and climbed in bed with her.

I'm proud to say I held it together through the planning of the funeral and distribution of her estate, but when the funeral was over and they made me leave, I lost it. I still hate the fact that I had to leave her there to be cremated. She was my Gram. Why did God take her from me? I know that He has a plan for my life and every obstacle I encounter is to make me a stronger person and remind me to reaffirm my faith in Him.

Sometimes, I am looking at pictures and Cameron does not remember her. That makes me want to cry. She loved every grandchild and great grandchild of hers. I think she even loved my sister, Tammy, despite the adoption and the fact that she forced it. I am saddened that Tammy never got to meet her. I think Tammy would have loved Gram's sense of humor.

Gram and I laughed so much and I could talk to her about anything. She never let me feel I was unloved. No matter what I did, I was still her granddaughter and I believe I was actually the favorite. Sorry Paula and Tina. I got documents to prove she trusted me with her life literally. I know she loved us all, but I'll hold on to a little bit of superiority in that LOL.

If there were ever a grandchild she loved the most, it would be my brother, Chuckie. I remember Gram talking about him and how when she moved to Florida in 1970 that the thing she missed the most in Pittsburgh was him. She never grasped how that hurt me. On a logical level I understand that I wasn't even born yet so she had no relationship with me to miss. But, she had 19 months with Chuckie and she missed him dearly. His death caused an insurmountable amount of grief to her. I can't believe it's been 25 years since we lost him, too.

I remember the story of how when she got his ashes she opened them to see him. She had no fear of dead people. One of her childhood friends lived in a funeral home so she often played there. I have had my brother's ashes for years and I still cannot bring myself to take his box out of the bag she passed it to me in.

There are certain ways my Gram did things that I am strictly adherent to. My macaroni and cheese has to have white cheddar cheese. We must have red beets and cucumber salad with it. She preferred white cheese and I even prefer white american cheese over orange. I remember she always had a drawer full of candy in her fridge. She loved tastee cakes. She would not eat chicken AT ALL!!! Why do so many memories of her include food?

Gram and I have had similar medical issues so it scares me that I may end up with ovarian cancer when I am older. Fortunately, I have been on birth control and I understand that that will reduce my chances.

In my room is my grandmother's free standing mirror and jewelry armoire. Sometimes, I open it up and hold the flowers she used to wear to Christmas parties or wear some of her jewelry and it makes me feel closer to her. I have her wedding band but finally stopped wearing it.

A few days ago I was scanning pictures into my computer and have some of her as a child. Looking at them I can see similar features in Cameron. That makes me smile. My grandmother was an absolutely stunning woman and I am proud to be her granddaughter. July 8th will never be the same in my life. But, I'm glad to have known such a loving, caring, smart, strong and funny woman.