Here I am another year older. Hard to believe I'm finishing my fourth decade on this wonderful planet.
Most days I don't feel 39. Although on a few I feel 89. Who knows I could live that long. My great-great-grandmother lived to be 107. I'm not quite sure that I would want to live that long. Glenn fears that he will die young, perhaps in his 50's and I don't look forward to the prospect of spending one day, let alone 50 or 60 years without him by my side.
My mortality has been striking a nerve with me lately. My large breasts are causing discomfort and every time a feel a twinge of pain, I immediately start checking for lumps. Yes, my greatest fear is breast cancer. Not because I fear having a mastectomy. I really don't. I've spent the last 26 years ruing puberty and the changes it brought with it. I fear dying. Not in the sense that I don't know where I'm going when I leave here, but I fear the pain involved both for me and for my family.
I remember how lost we all were as my grandmother battled ovarian cancer. I can't believe she's been gone almost 5 years. In some ways it seems like she was just here, but sometimes I feel the pain of losing her so deeply I crumble. I don't want my children to grow up without me. I understand that Kelly is about grown and I know that she realizes that I do love her. I'm not done with Cameron. I'm not done snuggling him and enjoying him for the young man he is.
I want to see who my children turn out to be. Will Cameron join the Army or the Air Force? Maybe the Navy like his Momma and Grandpa. I know that he will join something that allows him the opportunity to fly the skies. Kelly is still finding her dream. I always thought it would be in some form of art, such as television or film production. Now it seems it's more likely to be in radiology. If it is, wonderful. Health service careers are much needed and I'm proud of her for doing it. I could never do it and that makes my pride that much stronger.
I'm not dying. Well, yes I am. But not in a terminal, I'm ill way. Just in a we all gotta go sometime way. Does everyone feel this way and get these thoughts as they age? I never took the time to talk to my grandmother about these things. I could not ask my mom because she has been perpetually ill all my life.
This year I made the decision that I am not baking myself a cake. We are going to the Field House for dinner and then back to Glenn's parents house to watch the Penguins vs. Hurricanes hockey game. 4 years ago I spent my birthday at another hockey playoff game. My team lost, but I now own the jersey of my favorite hockey player, who wore it that fateful night. Hopefully, my team will prevail this time. If they play as they did on Monday night I have nothing to worry about.
It is officially my birthday so I should go to bed and sleep well for tomorrow we shall all eat cake. I'm starting this year with a smile and I hope to keep it on my face forever. On a happy note, I finally found the phone number of my friend who also moved up here the same month I did. We now live about 10 minutes from each other and plan to get together soon. :>
Most days I don't feel 39. Although on a few I feel 89. Who knows I could live that long. My great-great-grandmother lived to be 107. I'm not quite sure that I would want to live that long. Glenn fears that he will die young, perhaps in his 50's and I don't look forward to the prospect of spending one day, let alone 50 or 60 years without him by my side.
My mortality has been striking a nerve with me lately. My large breasts are causing discomfort and every time a feel a twinge of pain, I immediately start checking for lumps. Yes, my greatest fear is breast cancer. Not because I fear having a mastectomy. I really don't. I've spent the last 26 years ruing puberty and the changes it brought with it. I fear dying. Not in the sense that I don't know where I'm going when I leave here, but I fear the pain involved both for me and for my family.
I remember how lost we all were as my grandmother battled ovarian cancer. I can't believe she's been gone almost 5 years. In some ways it seems like she was just here, but sometimes I feel the pain of losing her so deeply I crumble. I don't want my children to grow up without me. I understand that Kelly is about grown and I know that she realizes that I do love her. I'm not done with Cameron. I'm not done snuggling him and enjoying him for the young man he is.
I want to see who my children turn out to be. Will Cameron join the Army or the Air Force? Maybe the Navy like his Momma and Grandpa. I know that he will join something that allows him the opportunity to fly the skies. Kelly is still finding her dream. I always thought it would be in some form of art, such as television or film production. Now it seems it's more likely to be in radiology. If it is, wonderful. Health service careers are much needed and I'm proud of her for doing it. I could never do it and that makes my pride that much stronger.
I'm not dying. Well, yes I am. But not in a terminal, I'm ill way. Just in a we all gotta go sometime way. Does everyone feel this way and get these thoughts as they age? I never took the time to talk to my grandmother about these things. I could not ask my mom because she has been perpetually ill all my life.
This year I made the decision that I am not baking myself a cake. We are going to the Field House for dinner and then back to Glenn's parents house to watch the Penguins vs. Hurricanes hockey game. 4 years ago I spent my birthday at another hockey playoff game. My team lost, but I now own the jersey of my favorite hockey player, who wore it that fateful night. Hopefully, my team will prevail this time. If they play as they did on Monday night I have nothing to worry about.
It is officially my birthday so I should go to bed and sleep well for tomorrow we shall all eat cake. I'm starting this year with a smile and I hope to keep it on my face forever. On a happy note, I finally found the phone number of my friend who also moved up here the same month I did. We now live about 10 minutes from each other and plan to get together soon. :>
No comments:
Post a Comment