Trouble on the homefront

This past week has been tremendously stressful at home. On the one hand, Kelly moved back to Florida so I don't have to worry about her every minute of the day, on the other hand, Glenn is very unhappy at work and his discord is spilling over at home.

Glenn loves tinting windows. Now that that has been said, he's terribly unhappy with the way he is paid at work. He has been voicing his unhappiness for months and there really is no way to fix the problem beyond what has been done, he just cannot let it go. Glenn was given a $5 an hour raise for flat glass installation and 3% raise on automobiles. The shop pay remained the same. He was quite happy when he was given this raise to leave his driving job last summer to return. Yet, he discovered that his co-worker made a deal 8 years ago to receive 15% of each flat glass job price. So on a $1,300 job, that took 2 hours and Glenn did most of because he is the fastest worker, Glenn made $40 and his coworker made $195. I agree with the disappointment in Glenn's eyes. He feels that he is working to make the other guy money. Working to make your boss money is one thing, but working to make your coworker money, especially when he does not work as much as you, is quite another. Yet, quitting this job does not seem like a viable choice. The economy is BAD. There are more people out of work today than ever before. Many people with more education than him are pounding the pavement looking for a paycheck...any paycheck. Paying our bills are a struggle, but, I know that each week there will either be a paycheck or an unemployment check in our account. If he quits his job we will have neither. As the bill payer that is scary for me. I cannot make him see the logic in holding on to the job and talking to his boss vs. quitting and moving into the car.

His current solution is to become a long distance truck driver. He's done this before so I know he can do it. My concerns are a)less money as a base b) less money because he is eating out 21 meals a week and c) Cameron will only see him 2 days a month. I've lived without seeing him daily so I will survive. Unhappily, but I will. Cameron on the other hand has been through enough in his short life. He does not need to have an absent father. I bring up Glenn's biological dad to him as a reminder of how hard it is on a kid when his dad is not there. Cameron lost me for 5 months through no fault of our own and certainly not by choice. Spending the next years of his life devoid of a full-time father figure is not in his best interest. I am not the most patient mother and I don't know how I could handle spending 28 days a month as a single mother. Fortunately, there would be a steady paycheck this time that I did not have 15 years ago with Kelly. I would not be solely responsible for supporting our family and I would know when Glenn was coming home so we could plan the visits. Unlike with Kelly's dad who consistently missed his visitations with Kelly when she was little because he had to "work" or did not feel well. So in some respects it would be easier as a "single parent" this time. However, I married the love of my life intending to spend every day with him. I did not sign on to be a "part-time" wife. I know that firefighter's wives have to deal with this and so do the spouses of military members. Guess what? I did not marry men in those professions. I applaud and look up to those who did. They are making a tremendous sacrifice for us. I don't think I can make that sacrifice. I want him home with us. I want to kiss him goodnight and for Cameron to have the joy of kissing his father good night.

Yesterday, Glenn and I had a tiff about using his computer. My computer has had fan issues for the past year or so. It's been in and out of the shop multiple times. Now it is shutting off after getting too hot. I decided to use Glenn's computer to look up some information for his mother. I booted up the computer to discover that Glenn had changed the password on his computer. I called him only to be talked down to like a 5 year old and told what websites I could and could not visit. Hello....I'm 38. I can look at porn if I want. I don't want...but I can! I was so mad I hung up on him and when he called back I told him I did not want to talk and refused repeatedly to talk to him. It is my understanding that coupled with the stress of work stated above, he got so made he threw his phone and broke it. I was working when he got home yesterday. I actually never saw him because he packed a bag and left telling Cameron he had no idea when he'd be home. Cameron claims he also said "if ever" but Glenn claims he did not say that. At 1:30 a.m. I decided to drive around our small town to look in parking lots for his car. After driving from one end of town to the other and not finding him, I began to cry and pled with God to lead me to Glenn if we were meant to be together. A few minutes later, I looked up to my left behind a restaurant and saw his car. I went over, knocked on the window and woke him up. He came home and we argued some more. We ended up in separate rooms and he left this morning without a kiss. That was very hurtful to me. Our typical Friday night routine is to take his paycheck to the bank about 25 miles north, go to the chiropractor and to dinner. Today he felt like doing none of it. So here I sit, alone, wondering what I can do to make it better.

On occasion, not very often, he "tweaks." The first tweak I experienced was after he went drinking with my cousin and did not come home for dinner. I took him a bag of clothes and told him to spend the night there. He ended up damaging his rims on his car, destroying our Christmas tree, our living room and our bedroom. Fortunately, my cousin and his wife came over and were able to calm him. The next one was after he stopped to look at cars on his way home from work and put a non-refundable deposit down on a car we could not afford. We argued for days and he ended up throwing a tray in a mall restaurant then shook my car door so hard the window shattered. That was over 8 years ago and I can't remember any other. Today he told me to "lay off" or he was bound to tweak again. Why can't I lay off? Am I such a bioch that I must make him see my point?

I have talked to Glenn's mom and sister. But, I just needed to get my thoughts down. If Glenn was an owner/operator of a truck it would not be a big deal. In fact, it could be a good thing. We could get Cameron a wireless access card for the laptop and he could school on the road. We could visit many places and be a family "together." However, a plan to leave us for over 11 months a year is not a viable option in my eyes. Tomorrow, I am joining Glenn's mom and possibly his sister for a trip to Sam's Club. I want to get some items in bulk before I do my local grocery shopping. I don't have a card so his mom let's me tag along with her. Last time we went, right after the hurricane in September, we got a 5 lb. bag of egg noodles that I am still using today. I'd like to invest in some "staples" to save money later on. The one thing I wish I had but don't is a deep freezer. Actually, right now I don't have room for it, but when we lived in the farmhouse I did. If you saw my basement, garage and front porch you would know what I mean by limited space. Right now, I have to step over a carpet roll to get into the house through the basement or pass a dresser and move a lawnmower on the front porch. Can you say redneck! Clumsy me is always worried I'll misstep and twist my ankle. I don't worry about falling down steps as I have that skill down to a fine art. Ask anyone at Flo-Master Plumbing. I fell down a long flight of stairs and jumped up like a cat saying "I'm alright!" But those little missteps are what causes me the most damage. Remember the falling off Kelly's bed as I was stepping off last week?!

Glenn's boss just called and offered to take us out to dinner as a celebration for completing this big job. I'm not sure how much celebrating Glenn will do though...his coworker made $1,950 to Glenn's $750. Deep breaths. I must take alot of deep breaths and SHUT MY MOUTH!!!!!!